Nagini's Therapy Hut
by KittyAngel StarFig
Summary: Nagini sets up a therapy hut on the Hogwarts grounds... watch as different HP characters stumble upon it and get there own doses of insanity from Nagini. Enjoy! R/R pleez :)
1. Hermione's Therapy Session

A/N: We're ba-ack

A/N: We're ba-ack! Here is another one of our completely insane Nagini fics! Enjoy!!

_Once upon a time Hermione was walking aimlessly around the Hogwarts grounds, wallowing in self-pity, when she came upon a hut. A sign on the door informed Hermione that it was:_

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NAGINI'S THERAPY HUT

(BECAUSE I'M NOT A COW)

_Hermione was baffled, but she figured she could use some therapy, so she went inside. She found a large snake curled up on the floor with a clipboard, sitting next to one of those funny therapy couch things._

HERM: Uh, hello? Are you Nagini?

NAGINI: Why yes… Come lie on my therapy couch! We can sort out your problems! 

HERM: Uh, okay. But first I was wondering about your sign.

NAGINI: What about it?

HERM: Well, the part about the cow was odd…

NAGINI: (Through gritted fangs) Don't—say—cow—it's a touchy subject!

HERM: Well, then why did you put it on your sign—

NAGINI: So that certain dark lords (glares at the framed picture of Voldemort hanging on the wall) will STOP MILKING ME!!!!!!!!!!!

HERM: Uh, okay… but how can you be milked? You're not a mammal, and only mammals produce milk…

NAGINI: VENOM! He's milking my venom you idiot!

HERM: So _technically_ he's not milking you in the same way a cow would be milked, and that makes it a bad comparison…

NAGINI: I DON'T CARE! That's how Voldie referred to it! He's even started calling me Bessie…

HERM: (sarcastically) Oh, that is SO degrading

NAGINI: If you don't believe me, you can call him yourself! 1-800-KILL-KILL-KILL.

HERM: Uh… (shifting in her seat)… lets change the subject. Uh… on to my problems!

NAGINI: (perks up) Oh yes yes! So, poor little thing, what's on your poor little mind? Hormones acting up again? Get it—Hormones sounds like Hermione! Gaffaw Gaffaw!

HERM: Uh, no, that is NOT my problem! 

NAGINI: Well, girl, spill those beans! Beans…Mmmmmm!

HERM: Okay, well, (thinks a moment), I'm worried about my friend Harry.

NAGINI: Okay, so 'splain!

HERM: Well, he's always in so much danger with You-Know-Who wanting to kill him and all. And he's not as careful as he should be—I just don't want anything to happen to him…

NAGINI: (Grinning slyly) Do I detect a little crush on in Harry-poo??

HERM: (in an unusually high and squeaky voice) No! Of course not! Why would you think that? 

NAGINI: Let's just say I have my ways. Okay, this is good. Bottled-up passions are my specialty!

HERM: (Thru gritted fangs… I mean teeth) I—don't—have—any—bottled—up—passions!

NAGINI: How about bottled-up hormones? Those are my specialty too!

HERM: NO! Are you going to help me with my problem or not.

NAGIN: Of course, I have the perfect solution: we should just kill Harry now! Get it over with! I know someone who could do the job right away! Just call 1-800-KILL-KILL-KILL! Ooooh! And then we could roast him! Or better—deep-fry him! Of course, I do have to watch my figure…

_Hermione was so appalled that she ran out of the hut screaming incoherently about deep-fried Harrys and a six-pack of Bottled-up-Passion._

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A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Click below for another chapter of Nagini insanity…

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	2. Ron's Therapy Session

A/N: Welcome to the next Chapter in Nagini's Therapy Hut…

A/N: Welcome to the next Chapter in Nagini's Therapy Hut…

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_Once upon a time Ron was walking aimlessly around the Hogwarts grounds, wallowing in self-pity, when he came upon a hut. A sign on the door informed Ron that it was:_

_ _

NAGINI'S THERAPY HUT

(BECAUSE I'M NOT A COW)

_Ron was baffled, but he figured he could use some therapy, so he went inside. He found a large snake curled up on the floor with a clipboard, sitting next to one of those funny therapy couch things._

NAGINI: Welcome, troubled soul!

RON: Uh, hi…

NAGINI: Care to lie on my big comfy therapy couch?

RON: Uh, maybe, (sits down cautiously) so, who are you?

NAGINI: I'm Nagini!! Didn't you read the sign? Oh, or is that your problem—illiteracy. If it is, I can order you the Phonics Game for only 3 easy payments of 20 Galleons…

RON: Uh, no thanks. I can't affor—I mean, I don't need to learn how to read.

NAGINI: Come, on, what were you going to say? Out with it now! The more you say the closer you are to finding your inner being!

RON: Uh, that's not my problem!

NAGINI: But, troubled soul, you seem to have many problems! Are you implying that you only have ONE problem?

RON: Yes!!

NAGINI: Tsk, tsk, self-denial will get you nowhere…

RON: I am not denying myself! Are you going to hear my problem or not??

NAGINI: Yes, yes, but first we must discuss your payment plan! You already owe me one Gallon for the past 5 minutes…

RON: WHAT?? You didn't tell me I was being charged! 

NAGINI: Oh, never mind… what IS your problem??

RON: (very quietly) Herm

NAGINI: Herb? Are you allergic to herbs?

RON: No! I said HERM!

NAGINI: You want a pet hermit crab?

RON: Ugh! Herm is a girl! Hermione! Get the picture? I like her but I can't tell her because I don't know I she likes me back and if I do tell her and she _doesn't_ like me then our friendship will be ruined and…

NAGINI: Calm yourself child! You DO have a problem, here. Hmmm, I have it! Hermione's a nice girl, she was just here—we should have her over for tea! I love tea!

RON: What kind of a solution is that?

NAGINI: All girls like tea, don't they? And I just love a nice, juicy, feminine hunk of meat…

RON: WHAT KIND OF A THERAPIST ARE YOU??????

NAGINI: I don't know? You tell me! I know! I'LL be the patient and you be the therapist! Won't that be fun??

RON: But what will I do about Herm?

NAGINI: I suggest a nice marinade—how about lemon pepper or white wine—no TEA would be perfect! Peppermint tea! Oh, I have a BETTER idea…

_Ron was so appalled that he ran out of the hut screaming incoherently about mad snakes and tea._

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THE END


	3. Harry's Therapy Session

A/N: Now it's Harry's turn… 

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A/N: Now it's Harry's turn… 

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_Once upon a time Harry was walking aimlessly around the Hogwarts grounds, wallowing in self-pity, when he came upon a hut. A sign on the door informed Harry that it was:_

_ _

NAGINI'S THERAPY HUT

(BECAUSE I'M NOT A COW)

_Harry was baffled, but he figured he could use some therapy, so he went inside. He found a large snake curled up on the floor with a clipboard, sitting next to one of those funny therapy couch things._

HARRY: Nagini? Is that you?

NAGINI: Harry! Oh how you've grown! And you look so much better—last time I saw you you were tied to a gravestone, right? You didn't look so well back then. Oh, and I see your cut has healed!

HARRY: Er, yeah, it has. (awkward silence) So, why aren't you trying to kill me?

NAGINI: Oh, THAT! Yeah, I quit that job! Voldie—that scum of the earth—he called me a cow!!! (acts appalled)

HARRY: Oh, okay. That's nice. Let's change the subject…

NAGINI: What's your problem?

Harry: Excuse me?

NAGINI: You know, your problem! Why did you come to this hut in the first place?

HARRY: Well, I had never seen it before, and the cow sign made me kind of curious…

NAGINI: Forget the cow! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?????

HARRY: Well, there's this girl….

NAGINI: Oooh! That seems to be the popular problem around here, maybe I should of opened a dating hut instead! I just love playing matchmaker!

HARRY: No! My problem is not a crush on her—the problem is her crush on me! She is totally obsessed with me!

NAGINI: And… that's a bad thing?

HARRY: YES! 

NAGINI: (*sniff*) Nobody was obsessed with me when I was a teenager. In fact.. nobody even likes me now! (bursts into song a la Shrek) _I'm all alone! There's no one here beside me… I'M ALL ALONE!_(A/N: Did anyone get that??)

HARRY: SHUT UP! Can we get back to my problem??

NAGINI: Of course, of course! Now, what is her name??

HARRY: Ginny

NAGINI: I see. So, what's wrong with her liking you?

HARRY: Because she's my best friend's little sister and I just don't like her in that way!

NAGINI: Of what way are you speaking of?

HARRY: You know…

NAGINI: Maybe I don't know! Hmmmm, have you thought of THAT possibility? Anyway, it doesn't matter. I suggest you send her a Howler saying that you despise her.

HARRY: But that would break her heart!

NAGINI: Do I sense FEELINGS for this girl? (*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*)

HARRY: NO! I already told you!

NAGINI: Hmmmm, this is a very interesting problem indeed. Bottled-up Passions, Self-denial… this would make a great soap opera. Or, I could write a book: _The Raging Hormones of Hogwarts Teens_! I can see it now…

HARRY: You wouldn't dare!

NAGINIL: Great idea! We should play truth or dare! Let's see, I dare you to… wear a girdle over top of your robes all week! That should get rid of Ginny's little crush!

HARRY: THIS IS STUPID! YOU ARE A NUTCASE!

NAGINI: Feisty, aren't we?

HARRY: I have an idea: why don't I dare you? Let's see… I dare you to slither around the school mooing and wearing a sign that says 'free milk'! Hmm, how about it?

NAGINI: I think I should take Hermione's advice and deep-fry you!!!

HARRY: Herm said that? But I like her!

NAGINI: You DO?????

HARRY: No, not that way!

NAGINI: There you go again! More denial… tsk tsk. Just like the others…

HARRY: What others?

NAGINI: Herm and Ron of course! By the way… Ron likes Herm too! Oh, and Herm likes you! Come to think of it, I think Ron likes you too. Waaait a minute…

_Harry was so appalled that he ran out of the hut screaming incoherently about love triangles and da Nile._

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THE END

A/N: Get it? Da Nile?? (say it aloud)… pleez review, more will come soon J


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